Yesterday afternoon a moment of anxiety hit me. I could saw it slowly creeping in my mind. It was about me, my future, my work and my earnings.
As you might know from my previous letter, from last few days I am actively searching my true art.
Art, that flows through me, my true expression. I wish to own that expression completely and live in the flow that it brings.
Most artists, be they are dancers, painters, engineers…, feel that flow when they are in their art.
They become so immersed into their craft that they lose track of both time and space. They forget where they are, when they are. They even forget themselves. They only watch the craft taking its form by itself.
That flow, I seek.
In search of that state I dropped “have-to’s”, I tried removing every act that appeared forced.
In doing so, I realised the act of making videos for YouTube, which earns food for me and my family, is also forced. Though once upon a time it was my love. Now it is nothing more than a bread earner for me.
I dropped it, not completely but reduced significant amount of time I spend on making those videos.
I imagined, my “FLOW” will take care of myself. I thought, once it reveals itself to me, I’ll dedicate my soul and life to it. And when I’ll be in it, only prosperity will follow, not only material prosperity but also spiritual one.
I’ll be full, I’ll be complete. I’ll be me, an endless source of life and creativity.
But after my search for more than a month, yesterday the anxiety of my insecure future hit me. My whole base shook so hard that I began to tremble. I wanted to hold on something that could save me from falling.
But after my search for more than a month, yesterday the anxiety of my insecure future hit me. My whole base shook so hard that I began to tremble. I wanted to hold on something that could save me from falling.
Closest thing I saw was my YouTube Channel. I tried grabbing it but it felt like going back to the prison, just to survive. Yet for some reasons, not known to me, survival felt necessary.
But very soon, the ‘HELP’ I was about to rely on, in fact had been relying on for years, started to fade away.
I saw the unpredictiveness of the future of the kind of content I produce. I saw a clear death of my content from highly engaging and flashy content that keeps coming to the social media. I cannot compete with that.
So even if I take hold of my only saver, my YouTube channel, my end was inevitable.
I was in panic. I was lost. I did not like that feeling, that moment.
I thought of calling someone so that I can be saved, even by false hopeful words. I wanted to survive. But I already pre-imagined the advise I was going to get – be on your path, which is to keep creating content for my channel.
But that, I had already chose to avoid intentionally in the search of my “FLOW”.
In fact that was the most logical option but I had already seen it crashing. There was no point listening to the same advise and nodding as if I have accepted.
I didn’t know what to do. All I could think of is writing.
Writing whatever I was experiencing and feeling. I didn’t know if it would help me. In fact I did not expect to get any answer through it as it was basically me writing for myself. I knew I’ll only get perspectives and solutions, if any, that I have learned.
But it felt like I must do it.
I opened my notebook and started blurting out everything – my fear, possible reasons, my feelings – everything that surfaced at that time. I asked myself questions and I didn’t expect the answers, though I wanted them.
I kept on writing until a thought wrote itself.
“Take any activity and do that. Feel the highest end result NOW. That’s the only thing you can do.”
Now I was, and still am, perfectly aware that it is something that I have learned, or possibly I wrote it to make myself feel good. But when those words appeared on the paper, I felt instant and complete relief. I felt absolutely relaxed and I was not scared anymore.
Those words resembles the philosophy of LAW OF ATTRACTION, but for me, they completely dissolved the fear of competition and imaginary-possible failure.
They not only took me out of my misery but they actually got me excited about my life and future again.
Now I knew what is in my hand and what I have control over.
-Niharika Rahi
PS. : Even before this panic attack, I feared of choosing something that excites me and ending up again at the same place where I am with my YouTube channel. I actually enjoyed creating videos but with time it became my work. So why the same couldn’t or won’t happen again?
Answer is I don’t know.
But just a two days ago I heard OSHO saying
“Work should be considered as play, just a game. You should not be serious about it; you should be just like children playing. It is meaningless, nothing is to be achieved; just the very activity is enjoyed”
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